Attachment Styles and Relationships
Introduction
On Valentine’s Day we take the time to celebrate those we love. Whether it is a spouse, partner, child, parent, or friend, we can use Valentine’s Day to show our appreciation for these relationships. How we love one another can affect many areas of our mental well-being. It’s very important to understand your attachment styles to ensure your platonic and romantic relationships are healthy. The four styles of attachment (secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized) stem from early childhood and hold the key to improving your connection with friends and family.
Secure Attachment
Secure attachment is what we should all strive for. Those with this attachment style are more likely to seek out healthy relationships and, like its name suggests, feel secure with their partners and friends. Secure attachments are formed from early childhood, from having parents or caregivers that consistently fulfill the emotional and physical needs of their baby. As adults, a secure attachment looks like an empathetic individual with the ability to set boundaries that cultivate safe, loving, and satisfactory relationships. You are able to rely on your interpersonal relationships for support, but are comfortable being on your own. Overall, you have a feeling of security.
Avoidant Attachment
If you describe yourself as a “lone wolf", you might have an avoidant attachment style. People with this style tend to avoid intimacy or feel on-guard when becoming close with someone. Avoidant attachment styles likely form if a baby’s caregiver only met their physical needs, not emotional. These individuals were taught to be self-reliant and independent. These can be great qualities, but can lead to loneliness. Adults with this attachment style tend to minimize the emotions of those around them, avoid them all together, or seek out people who also avoid emotional conversations.
Anxious Attachment
People who are anxiously attached tend to have unhealthy relationships. These people crave closeness and intimacy, but have difficulty trusting their partners and friends. It’s likely that their relationship with their caregiver was inconsistent throughout their childhood. Perhaps their parents were involved and attentive at one moment and distant or distracted at the next, leaving the child craving attention or recognition. As an adult with an anxious attachment style, you could be described as clingy, jealous, unable to observe boundaries, or in constant need of reassurance.
Disorganized Attachment
Disorganized attachment often stems from fear or trauma. People with this attachment style can find relationships confusing and scary. They might be controlling or distrusting with their partners and friends. Their caregivers, dealing with their own past trauma, created a conflicting environment of both fear and comfort for their child. This unsafe home-life often leads to a volatile way of relating to others. Adults with a disorganized attachment style might act in an antisocial manner or, when triggered, may act explosively and irrationally.
Conclusion
While having a secure attachment style is the goal, only about 58% of adults describe themselves this way. So, if you feel more aligned with an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style, don’t worry. It is entirely possible to work on your security in relationships. Through tools like therapy, journaling, group work, and open conversations with loved ones, you can cultivate more secure and healthy relationships. If you are still unsure which attachment type you are, take this NPR quiz to find out
